We'll Begin Again Page 15

  "I wasn't there for my father when he died; I wasn't there for Spence and now Hudson. I'm a failure, and I'm weak."

  William broke free of my grasp, pulling away. Truly at a loss for words, my heart broke for the man I realized I loved so damn much. Out of nowhere, William howled in agony and punched the wall. I gasped, my eyes growing scared and shocked. William slumped against the hole he'd manufactured and held his stomach while he doubled over. His hand bled freely, blood dripping to the floor.

  "I'm a loser," he repeated over and over. "I don't deserve to be alive. I should have died in Afghanistan. I should die now!"

  "No, you're not! Stop saying that! You're a brave man, William."

  He looked up at me with bloodshot eyes and a broken heart. His face pleaded for peace of mind, which I couldn't give to him. There was nothing I could say to make him feel better. Nothing in the entire world.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  William

  After losing my father, my mother, my two best friends, and my home, I didn’t think I had anything left to lose. The reality of losing Hudson hit me like a moving train. Or like someone cut out a piece of my heart and shoved it down a garbage disposal.

  Emptiness erupted in my soul, and my body crumbled beneath its metaphorical weight. I couldn’t see my future, and I didn’t want to. I didn’t feel I had any right to continue living. Why did I deserve another chance at life when so many people I cared about weren’t afforded the same opportunity? What made me so special? Why was I special?

  Amelia left after a few hours to go home and check on Charlie. I didn’t blame her; I wouldn’t want to stick around to see me sink below the depths of reality, either. Before she left, she wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed my forehead. But I didn’t feel it. My body rejected her warmth and kindness. I wanted her to leave. I wanted to be alone.

  Once she closed the door, my demons took hold. I turned off all the lights in my room and lay on my bed, motionless. The sunset and the moon had risen by now, just as the light had left my life, surrounding me in darkness too.

  Sleep wouldn’t come either. My mind wandered and dragged me into the past, farther back than I ever wanted to go.

  I was on the streets again, lost and wandering down the avenues bursting with people who have their lives together. I was just another face in a crowd of humans. No one noticed me, and I didn’t notice them. There I was, back in the desert, with my two friends beside me. One was blown away, never to exist again. Even farther back, I stood watching as the towers burned from the inside out. Smoke and ash filled the air, and I knew my father was gone. He was dead. They were all dead.

  I don’t know how long I lay there, unmoving, but the sun rose once again. But I couldn’t bring myself to do the same. It was Monday, and I had to go to work, but I couldn’t imagine leaving my room. I couldn’t imagine pretending like everything is okay.

  For the first time in several hours, I managed to hoist myself off my bed and reach for my burner phone. It was all I could afford with my first paycheck after paying rent and buying groceries. I called my boss and let him know I was sick and wouldn’t make it in today. Guilt weighed heavily on my stomach. I couldn’t afford to miss a day of work, and yet I couldn’t afford to be at work either.

  I knew what I needed to do: shower, eat breakfast, and brush my teeth. I knew I should call Hudson’s parents and tell them how sorry I am for the loss of their son. I should call his wife and my goddaughter. I should be there to support all the others affected by his death. But, I couldn’t. I really couldn’t. I knew it was selfish. I knew his wife was suffering, and his daughter would grow up without a father. I knew I was a bastard for only caring about myself, but it didn’t stop me from doing it.

  Amelia called me four times and texted during the night. I hadn’t replied and didn’t want to either. I didn’t want to talk to anybody, because the only voice I wanted to hear was that of a man on a flight back to the United States, in a casket wrapped with a flag. Hudson was the only person I wanted, and he was the one I could’t have.

  I should have been in the casket, not him. He has a family and a future. Well, had.

  Eventually, I drifted in and out of restless sleep. Helicopters and gunshots rattled my mind. There was another war; only this time, it was inside me.

  I spent the next three days in the same routine. Tossing and turning in my bed, avoiding all phone calls except to call in sick, and missing the fuck out of everyone in my life who left too soon.

  Amelia stopped by last night, but I pretended to be asleep. She knocked a few times and struggled to open the door. I locked it for this exact purpose. I didn’t want her pity or her sympathy. I deserved to suffer, and I deserved to be all alone. Not to mention, she didn’t deserve a man in her life who’d drag her down into his pit of misery. Amelia was a good woman with a big heart. She could do better than me.

  Thursday arrived, and I still hadn’t eaten, bathed or gone to work. Someone knocked firmly on my bedroom door, but I didn’t move to answer it.

  “William?” The halfway house’s manager called. “I’m sorry, but I need you to open the door. I’ve gotten several calls about you, and I need to see you. It’s after seven o’clock at night; open up!”

  I sighed and realized I couldn’t hide any longer. I slid out of bed, avoiding the reflection in the mirror as I unlocked the door.

  The manager stepped in, and his jaw dropped. “William!” he gasped. “Are you okay? Do you need a doctor?”

  White spots invaded my vision, and the room spun rapidly around me. My manager’s voice faded, and within seconds everything went dark.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Amelia

  An ambulance arrived at the halfway house. The manager called me as soon as William fainted on his bedroom floor. I wanted to drive to see him, but the manager advised it’d be better to meet the paramedics at the hospital. I didn’t have time to call a sitter for Charlie, so we grabbed our coats and sprinted to my car.

  "Is he okay?" Charlie asked frantically while I parked in the Emergency Room lot.

  "He will be, sweetheart. He's just handling some difficult stuff. Difficult things affect people differently. Everyone handles bad news in a different way."

  Charlie and I jogged inside the hospital and searched for the Emergency Room. I stopped a doctor sauntering down the hallway with a few clipboards in tow.

  "Excuse me, doctor? Can you please point me to the Emergency Room? My boyfriend is here, and I need to find him."

  "Sure, Miss. It's down the hall and to your right. You can't miss it."

  "Thanks!"

  Charlie held my hand as we speed-walked in the direction the doctor pointed. The familiar sterile hospital smell wafted through my nose as other medical staff scurried around as though someone had cut their heads off.

  "Mom?"

  "Yes?"

  "Is William your boyfriend?"

  "What makes you think that?"

  "Uh, because you told the doctor your boyfriend was here."

  Did I say that? Really? I didn't even realize I called William my boyfriend just then.

  "I didn’t mean to say that," I said, gasping for breath.

  We approached the ER reception desk, and an annoyed-looking nurse typed madly on her keyboard.

  "Hello?" I tried to grab her attention. "I'm here to see William Divola."

  "Sorry," she screeched. "Only immediate family members allowed." She didn't look away from her computer for a second.

  "He doesn't have any immediate family. His parents are deceased, and he's an only child. I'm all he has right now. Can I please see him?"

  The red-headed nurse, who appeared to be around sixty, eyed me suspiciously. "Let me call back and check to see if it's okay with the patient."

  "Thank you so much. I appreciate it."

  The nurse, whose name tag read "Nancy," picked up the phone and asked a nurse if William approved of my visit. Much to her dismay, Nancy nodded toward the door leading
to ER patients and away from reception. I imagined she wasn't a fan of breaking the rules. Usually, I wasn't either.

  I didn't wait around for her to change her mind as I pulled Charlie through the heavy swinging doors. As soon as we stepped foot in the actual ER, Charlie and I covered our ears as a young child screamed at the top of her lungs. It broke my heart and my eardrums at the same time. A nurse looked at me and mouthed, "Broken ankle." I nodded and craned my neck, looking for William.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw William in a bed with an oxygen mask firmly secured to his face.

  "William!" Charlie shouted.

  Charlie sprinted over to William, almost knocking down a nurse carrying a tray covered in medical supplies. The woman smiled and walked toward another patient. I gave her an apologetic smile and followed him to William’s bed.

  Charlie dove onto William's belly and hugged him. "I'm glad you're okay. You scared us."

  William held Charlie in his embrace. "I'm sorry for worrying you, Charlie."

  “Bud, why don’t you head back to the waiting room? I’d like a minute with William.”

  “Do I have to?” Charline whined.

  “Yes, please. It will only be a few minutes.”

  The nurse from a few moments ago overheard the conversation and offered to walk Charlie back to the waiting room. Once Charlie was out of earshot, I pulled up a chair and held William’s hand in my own.

  “Are you okay?” I breathed heavily.

  William’s eyes, bloodshot and hollow, bore into mine. With just a look, I felt his sadness inside my own heart.

  “I don’t really know.”

  “What happened?”

  “I guess I passed out. Doc said low blood sugar. I didn’t eat much the past few days.”

  “Oh, William.” I laid my head on his arm with the ER bracelet and closed my eyes. I would do anything to take away his pain. I’d even absorb it if I could. “I’m here for you.”

  “I know. Thank you.”

  “I talked to your manager at work—”

  William’s eyes bulged outside his head.

  “Don’t worry! I didn’t give any specific details, but I told him you had a medical emergency. He said to take as much time as you need. Your job will be waiting for you when you are healthy again.”

  “He said that?”

  “Told you it was a great place to work!”

  “What would I do without you, Amelia?”

  Carefully, I stood and leaned in closer to the man to whom my heart felt magnetized. As gently as I could, I placed my lips against his and rested my forehead against his own.

  “Everything is going to be okay. We’re in this together.”

  Doctors released William later that day once his vitals returned to normal and his body had the chance to rehydrate. The doctor and psychiatrist at the hospital spent a great deal of time with William before they discharged him, though. They believed he suffered from severe PTSD and that treatment would be necessary to help him recover from the traumatic experiences in his life. William assumed he was handling everything fine, but after speaking with the psychiatrist, he agreed he hadn't done much to manage the loss and devastation he faced in the past decade or so.

  "I'm afraid the meds will bum me out or turn my brain into mush," he said as we pulled away from the hospital.

  "You'll never know until you try. Plus, if you don't like it, there's always something else the doctors can try."

  That night, William took his anti-anxiety pills before we put Charlie to bed and picked out a movie to watch on Netflix at my apartment. I wanted him to spend the night. I didn’t want him to be alone.

  We argued for a few minutes while I scanned through the choices, but we settled on a rom-com movie. I wanted him to relax, not get hyped up over the latest and greatest action flick.

  "Are you sure you want to watch this?" he pleaded.

  "The reviews were great!"

  William huffed as I put my head on his shoulder and grasped his hand in mine.

  "I'm glad you're okay," I said. “I don’t know what I would have done if something happened to you.” The thought of something more serious needled its way into my mind and felt like a left hook to my heart.

  "Me, too.” He rubbed my back gently.

  "How do you feel so far? Feel any different?"

  "I feel the same, but maybe a touch calmer."

  "That’s great,” I urged.

  I leaned in closer and kissed his lips. "How about now?"

  "Even better."

  Deep down, I knew I should give William time to recover from the stress of mourning his friend, but I also wanted to make him feel better. Not to mention, I felt closer to him than ever, and I wanted to show him just how much he meant to me.

  Our next kiss ignited something inside my soul. My belly flip-flopped to the thud of my racing heart. Our tongues found each other, and passion exploded throughout every cell in my body. He pulled me onto his lap, and the friction between us could have created a series of sparks in the air.

  "It’s been a really long time," he said with a husky, desperate tone.

  "Me, too. Are you sure this is okay?”

  “It’s more than okay. It’s perfect.”

  He peeled my top off and tossed it aside. My golden honey hair covered my breasts, but William moved the tendrils aside. "You're so beautiful." He delicately kissed my neck, and I pulled his shirt off while I struggled to catch my breath.

  William picked me up and gently set me down on the couch before climbing on top of me. His dog tags clung to his chest, already covered in sweat. He was my life-sized G.I. Joe, and I wanted to see him in action. He unzipped my jeans, pulling them off with ease. He kissed my neck all the way down to belly, then traveled even further south.

  I stifled my moans as ecstasy mounted deep within my core. His hands discovered me as I explored his body too. His newly formed muscles rippled through his skin, and my jaw dropped as he took off his sweatpants, revealing a mouthwatering "V" pointing exactly where I wanted to go.

  William smiled and removed the last of my clothing with delight. I took a deep breath as the man I'd fallen hopelessly in love with made love to me.

  William and I woke as the sunshine sprawled through my window. I yawned and stretched, then turned over to see William staring at me with a goofy grin.

  "Morning!"

  "It's a good morning when I wake up next to you." He kissed my forehead and pulled me into a loving embrace.

  As I lay with William's arms wrapped around me, one particular feeling came to mind: safety. Even though I could handle myself in a courtroom and take care of my son, I couldn't describe the happiness which ebbed and flowed throughout my body. I finally felt safe in another man's arms. William changed the way I saw and thought about men. He proved men could be sensitive and brave. He showed me a man could take care of me the way I needed to be while loving my son as his own, too.

  As I reveled in the feeling of having my love next to me, my other love, much smaller, created a racket from his room.

  "Charlie's awake," I murmured.

  I rose out of bed and pulled on my zebra pattern fleece robe. William raised an eyebrow, and I stuck out my tongue.

  "It's comfortable!" I whispered.

  William snickered, shook his head and followed me out of the bedroom.

  "William!" Charlie cried from the living room. "You're still here!"

  "Of course I am, kiddo. What’cha want for breakfast?"

  "What do you mean? Like cereal?"

  "No, I'm going to cook breakfast for us."

  "Really? Mom never cooks us breakfast."

  I blushed. It was true, though. I rarely had time to make Charlie's lunch in the morning, let alone throw together breakfast.

  "How about an omelet?"

  "What's that?" Charlie asked curiously.

  "It's the breakfast of superheroes!"

  Charlie's eyes lit up as he jumped up and down. "Yes! I want an omelet!"

>   I eyed my son carefully.

  "Please?" he corrected himself.

  I nodded with approval.

  "Coming right up!" William promised.

  While Charlie played his XBox, I sat bemused as William whipped up a fantastic breakfast. He made each of us a veggie omelet with wheat toast and orange juice on the side. My mouth watered as the aroma of sautéed vegetables and cheese wafted into the air. I paused to absorb the scene before me and wondered if this is what my life would be like going forward: Charlie playing, William cooking, and all of us together as a family.

  My heart burst with love, which also terrified me. If there was one thing I've learned in life, it's that when you have something to love, you also have something to lose. I shook away any negative thoughts as William whistled to Charlie and brought the plates full of steaming food to the table.

  After breakfast, William offered to do the dishes, and at that moment I considered bending down on my damn knee and asking him to marry me. Where did this guy come from? Mars, I suspected. I cleaned up the apartment a little while Charlie busied himself in his room with a science project for school. Luckily, Charlie enjoyed those kinds of assignments, and it rarely turned into the kind of project which required me to finish it or do it myself.

  "What do you think you want to do today?" I asked William. “Charlie is off from school.”

  He looked down at his feet shyly. "I think I want to take a run or something. You know, clear my head?"

  "Sounds like a great idea!"

  William kissed me goodbye, and as soon as the door closed behind him, a tinge of emptiness crept in. I'd never been one to weep over a boy or pine for one either, but William was different. His absence filled the room, and the second he stepped out of view, a pang of loneliness irked me.

  "So, Charlie," I said. "What do you want to do today?"

  "Mama?"

  "Yes, love."

  "Can we get a dog?"

  I choked on my coffee and took a minute to catch my breath.